kids

i want kids. i want them now because when i was little all the cousins were close and all played together it was some of my greatest memories. i want 4 kids hoping for two boys and two girls so each has a brother and a sister but its of no matter if they are boys or girls that's just my hope. 4 kids is a lot these days but i think its a good number. hoping for roughly a year apart so they aren't so far apart i like they way me and my brother and sister are close to 3 between each kid but my sister had kids and is done having kids already my brother i don't think will have anymore id be surprised if he did and then there is me no kids no gf not even a shadow of a glimpse of a woman in my life. of all the things i care about that is what kills me inside everyday. knowing that my kids will be spaced between my brother and sisters so far. i hate the way other people tell other people how to raise their kids or this worked for us so it should work for you. im not looking forward to that. although sometimes i will want to do it myself but i hold my tongue.
 i want my kids to have a real love for learning and passion for life and the outdoors i want my kids to be farm kids essentially but that would mean i have to be a farmer and well im no farmer by anyones standards but i would love to live on a farm and have my own business that i run out of a shop that i build on my land i want lots of open space and freedom for kids to explore and discover. i have thought many times my ideal would be my job is more of just a hobby and im more of a stay at home father. ofcourse when the kids are small i wouldn't do much other than raise them but once they are old enough to play outside on their own then i could rediscover woodworking. i also will have my private pilot license maybe even an airstrip on my land. this is all ideal but i have a time line and i don't wanna be an old man when my kids graduate. i don't want to reach 50 before my last kid graduates so 50-5yrs roughly-18yrs= which means 27 for my first child minimum.
i realise i kinda talk like my life will be put on hold for my kids and it should be really because im raising people to represent my legacy and they will be a reflection of my qualities as a father. at least thats how i feel i am towards my father it makes me filled with joy to see him proud of me and my mom too i like to be able to impress them and show them what they have done its my driving force.

hopes and dreams

i have a lot of hopes and dreams not enough lives to complete them all and not enough ambition to get a lot of them done. first and foremost I want to be a great father the way my dad has been for me he wasn't always around but I always think of how hard he worked and how much he has relaxed and loosened up since us kids now take care of ourselves. it means more to me than I would ever say to him I know I should but just wont. my mother was no exception in unbelievable parenting either she was always willing to do anything for us and pushed us to be our best but didn't push us anywhere we didn't want to go she always had just the right amount of tough love. there is no way I can repay them other than being successful. I consider myself successful but I am more I know I can do so much more I don't know if I will ever stop thinking that of myself and again that probably came from my parents, such lovely people. I miss them and wish I could be a part of their life everyday but I have to live my life ;-).

 i know i could be talented with music i feel like if i had limitless time that's all i would want to do is create music and sing gosh how i love to sing super shy about it and self conscious but ive gotten a few compliments and a lot of criticism. the guitar has never really interested me ive always loved the piano something about the keys is just so sexy and such a connection. drums obviously because that's my rough side when i used to play the rockband drums with my cousin and stuff man i just loved it and got damn good at it too. people when they saw me play would always ask if i played drums for real that was a great feeling. i need to buy a book on how to read music for myself.

 i could be a successful businessman as well i know my boss sees it in me and i see it in myself but i don't deal with people very well sometimes i get frustrated too easily and sometimes not frustrated enough. im great at my job i could teach anyone to do it but i think im so creative at it and just naturally gifted with the ways i can create things in my head and bring them to life i really like that. i want more from my job i could run all the people that work there except for one i would fire him in a heartbeat if i could. he is my friend but he is just so one dimensional and hateful and angry towards his job and women and life itself most of the time he is a tough person to accept but i do accept him as a person but i would fire him still it would be a good business decision he causes more problems than he solves and antagonizes everyone he works with takes all my patience everyday it feels like. i would grow the business when possible and just spread into every sector of the woodworking industry have our own installers do go out to jobsites and have us as suppliers we would communicate so much better and be able to save the customers so much money whilst making money ourselves maybe even get into the house building industry cooperate with other businesses that do interior design see what kinds of fun things we could create for the customer saving them more money because we built the home and finished it to exactly how they want it. saving money and having what you want whats more attractive than that. if you want something done fast then go buy a cookie cutout home that might cost less yes that's true but quality would be able to speak for itself.

politics should be known for being groundbreaking and earth shattering making such major steps towards sustainability and jobs for the future not for right now and about growing local businesses not being bought out by major labels and taking cheques for integrity local owned, local made, local supported. its better quality usually anyways because the people doing it actually care and don't poison food with chemicals to keep it from going bad because the longer it stays good the farther you can ship it and make your market bigger to make more money. privatization of every aspect of our culture is coming i feel it the wrong people have seen and figured out what the united states govt pulled off and now want to do the same to Canada I WONT ALLOW IT. there is just so much better ways of doing things public healthcare plus dental and vision its not a hard goal to reach we do it with healthcare but not dental and vision it just blows my mind its silly that we don't have public healthcare full coverage. a politician should be able to answer every question the people he serves asks he should not be berated over his personal life quite frankly i couldn't care less if he smokes crack and has a fetish for little boys or whatever it does not matter if he is trying to accomplish something to make the world a better place for the future. that's what politics should be about not the benefits of corporate CEOs because they invested in the campaign my question is how can these people actually exist. people who will force others to do as their told because of the money they donated and also the person willing to give up integrity because some jerk gave him some money. there is no price on a future that we could sustain ofcourse it cant all be good news. some people would no longer be allowed to procreate we have too many people on this planet too many sheep using up our precious planet i know how dark and harsh it seems but its not like everyone wouldn't have equal opportunity to earn the right to have children but it sure would make a lot  more sense if you had to earn it rather than just be able to fuck bitches then oh shit she got preggers guess i better skip town like? honestly i think it should be earned i haven't figured out how it would be earned because some of the greatest people are from the worst situations and i hate that i want to restrict people from the love and joy children bring but it has to be done for a better future for everything

i cant get no satasfaction!

i dont think people get me most days i have a relaxed way of being stress doesnt get to me i cant explain why.  there is something to be said for things that you yourself just do and know through and through when others struggle with it everyday. its not that i dont have stress there are many things that do stress me , but i have found that i start to make excuses for myself just because im stressed doesnt give me any right to insult anyone, doesnt give me the right to be selfish. it does not make any sense to let stress control you. maybe i believe in destiny more than i know because if i am in a situation that would normally stress me there is some sort of place that i have with an overwhelming calm it feels like ive done this before everything.

 my dissatasfaction is the result of my own ability to remain calm.

what a frightening thought stopped me dead in my tracks for a couple weeks now i have came back and reread this several times. i can feel myself try to argue that that statement is not right it cant be but i know it must be. that statement is a downwards sentence spirals down your happiness.

my satasfaction is the result of my inability to go crazy.

interesting all i have to do is flip flop it and the original statement makes so much more sense. i think thats it you just need to be aware of your actions and thoughts. be able to interpret wether your making happy statements or sad/depressing ones and if you are making sad or depressing comments then find a way to reverse that mentality. i would love to think that this is some super ground breaking amazing thought but i would also be even more happy if this is just basic and there is so much more to discover.

I Believe in Your Victory - This Will Destroy You (fantastic thinking song)

everything is not okay.

says this was published on 01/01/2013 I cant for the life of me remember why I wrote that everything is not okay. its not that I have been busy or anything my mind has just been so cluttered. I don't know what  im doing anymore I feel like I have no purpose my job seems to be unwinding im so great at it but my effort is no longer there I need a challenge but my boss seems to be backpedalling me so he wont have to pay me more or maybe he sees I feel lost and is giving me a break. sometimes I get tired of myself and the way I feel about you get what you earn and make happen boy I could use a handout im not sure what for but I just want something unexpected and completely fulfilling.

im so tough on everyone and myself. maybe I took the saying be the change you wanna see in the world really to heart and because I feel there is so much to change I have created obscenely high expectations of people. I believe in people and I believe in doing whats right and wrong.

healthy/sick

I'm a healthy person. do i eat healthy? not really, do i exercise regularily? other than work no. my job being a physically demanding one isnt really that much excercise. i have never taken vitamins and never will when i was younger the neighbors kids took vitamins daily we were the same age and they were sick all the time. me if im lucky ill get a head cold for a couple hours once a year. i weigh 190 to 200 pounds i would describe myself as muscular. why dont i get sick more than everyone one i know who "eats healthy" it seems the healthier you eat the more times you get sick. i have a high metabolism thats true enough so that may be why my body remains healthy people say my metabolism will slow down but there are older people who can eat like me and also remain slim. i dont mean to say that they are lying but maybe the metabolism just needs to be kept up. a thing to add to my list of pet peeves is when people say "its good for you" or "its reccomended to have at least this much of somthing per day" if its good for me then why does it taste like shit? if i ate everything that was reccomended everyday i would explode, i would have to eat all day. 

sales, tales, and fails

if only everyone could get exactly what they want. that way you would always get as you deserve. the art of salesmanship is something that i do not agree with. i dont like being talked into things if i want it then i shall have it if money allows it and i feel i need it enough. people almost rely on being able to return things nowadays. and everywhere accepts that sometimes things just arent quite right which is fair but if you were talked into buying it by a salesman its your own fault. people need to start getting things right the first time communicate what you want. dont be jostled around by someone who in some cases cares nothing about what you need or want. its that damn propagandization again and again i feel the pressure of normalcy, conformity, and ignorance. i dont want to buy a home in a neighborhood i dont like im open to places i dont know but if i know its a terrible neighborhood then why would someone try to guilt me into it. i dont want to buy a car that has all the bells and whistles its fun to look at sometimes but i want it to have my bells and whistles not everyone else's.

 im so frustrated with how little is changing in such a modern world. why is the news always about the bad this topic is beaten to death but seriously they need to change their target audience to youth aged 15 to 25 find the positive things to talk about in everyday life and have informative guests rather than witnesses to murders. kids need to question things. they are expected to just accept too much they talk about the desensitisation of youth but do nothing to stop it even myself i rant about shit i do nothing about. life needs to change but i dont have an answer yet.

 i was thinking today about how we could design a new government one that is actually ran by the people who care we have the technology to hear everyones voice yet we are still electing a few blabbermouthed fools to run things. when i went to the house of commons when i was lets say 16 or 17 i laughed at how they insulted each other and said such weird things that had nothing to do with the topics they were supposed to be discussing this was a while ago so my memory isnt that great of it but it was still something i didnt feel proud of witnessing it was awful, to say the least.

narcissistic?

i had the most fantastic drive today roughly 5 hours of it i was listening to a book reading i bought to stay awake but it wasnt the book that actually enthralled me it was all the ideas and thoughts that made me stay awake. it was a tale of love. the vocabulary level being slightly above mine and it was just written overly descriptive of things that in my opinion didnt need more explanation but i felt it needed more description in other parts but maybe my imagination works differently than the authors and this realization fascinated me. i have a hard time imagining peoples faces and what they should look like if there is little to no description i just cant do it. when it comes to feelings and the way they were thinking i can delve deeper than is described to me and its clear as day. i couldnt portray scenes in my mind they couldnt be what the story described instead i would mash together places that i know like a family friends cabin with the land from PEI that i remember, it was really intruiging. i cant help but wonder where all the differences in people come from but we know some external influences how your raised, where you grew up, the foods you eat, the friends you have all external things but its how people imagine themselves to be on the inside thats what really counts. as cliche as that is to say but like even when you look in the mirror are you suprised at how you look? or at how people can react to you ? sometimes i feel my imagination takes over how i feel i should look in the mirror i dont dislike how i look im perfectly self satasfied but the mirror isnt something i like to look myself in the face in. it doesnt do anything for me i feel more confident with my imagined self. i struggle with knowing wether or not i am just a voice inside my head above my brain or wether im a part of it. wether i live life or just imagine all of the outcomes whilst reacting the way i always do.

i feel i need to explain something as i write i think and thats why i always get off track and always say the word maybe because i dont have a clear definitive answer in my head yet but this is the first time im thinking about it so im seeing where it goes.

back to where i was....... maybe the imagination is just a way to see the way you should be reacting your imagination is who you really are. then again im an introvert...... but extroverts have imaginations too. not to insult extroverts but they just cant seem to contain themselves its as if they will explode if they dont act out what is in their head that very instant. ok it was an insult ill admit it. i love being an introvert i can control myself i can choose my words i can react in ways to get the reactions i want. maybe im also a bit narcissistic.

just some rants

 i have started to tell myself something over and over again one of my many things it goes positivity creates positivity and negativity creates negativity the only way of avoiding either one of these truths is to be aware of them. my life that i currently live in is surrounded by negativity my workplace being the worst of all everyone there doesnt want to be there with the exceptions of myself my boss and one other person i believe but even my boss doesnt want to be there its because of the other people. all they ever talk about is how bad their situation is and how much better they are than the job they have im all for making yourself feel better but eventually they gotta realize they're their own worst enemy. them being negative all the time and complaining well of course thats all their mind thinks about what they should be doing is closing their mouth and opening their minds thinking of solutions instead of clever ways to insult themselves or others. i could complain about these people all day but thats kinda a self fullfilling prophecy i hope they find happiness.

obama has won a second term thats all i needed to know. im canadian not american and i know more about american politics than i do canadian why!!!! i hear about it at work, on the radio, on the internet, everywhere! american politics really isnt that much more amazing than canadian but they do have an us vs them appearance which means somebody is always the bad guy and everyone is so relieved that obama won myself included i feel he has done a lot of work in spite of the bad situation he was left with and if he can bring change to healthcare the man is a god the reason i say this is because of michael moore's documentary called sicko it shows a side of american healthcare that needed to be shown. obama is already a great man and it sickens me that mitt romney was even close in the polls anything i have ever heard about him is awful but could this be strategic propagandization by the existing govt who can tell the truth from a lie anymore. im tired of american politics please canada lets get it together and get people more involved if partys did more inspiring stuff they could get votes. only time will tell but i fear the environment is running out of time

anyone affected by hurricane sandy my thoughts have been with you.